Addicted to the Empty Feeling.

by Brittany
(New Zealand)

I first took a laxative (Dulcolax) late last year when I was struggling pretty severely with IBS.


A few weeks later that I took them again but at that time I wasn't abusing them. It wasn't until I took them a third time that I noticed that after wards I looked thinner and decided to weigh myself. I had lost just over 1kg and was amazed. I felt empty AND had lost weight!


That's when it all started.


I already had self esteem issues and that combined with the laxatives, turned into a nasty cycle of restricting my food intake, binging and then taking laxatives to make myself feel thinner.


This has been going on since March of this year (2009) and I wish now that I never discovered Dulcolax.


I take between 7-10 laxatives 4-5 times per week and it's ruining my life.


I can't go out to family members houses, on holiday or even to the mall because I need to be near my toilet in case of any "emergencies".


I've tried to stop taking them several times and that's just lead to severe constipation and needing to take 15+ to move my bowels at all.


My body is so used to them that on some days, I can take that many and they don't have any effect at all.


It's painful, it's embarrassing and I'm fully aware that it's my fault which makes it even worse. No one did this to me but myself and I'm the only one who can fix this.


However I doubt that I'll ever be able to stop taking them and I'm afraid that that one day I'll have a heart attack or a stroke due to electrolyte imbalances (my potassium is already low), or need surgery because my bowel will have stopped working on it's own.


This is the end of my story but hopefully not the end of my recovery, because I want so badly to have regular and natural bowel movements now more than anything.